A night at the strip club can be a fun, entertaining experience, a great way to unwind after a long day of work, or just what the doctor ordered. But there are a few crucial mistakes that could turn your night to remember into a night you can only hope to forget. So stay on your toes, boys! And read this guide!
Mistake #1: Pocket dialing your wife during a lap dance. This is probably the worst thing you can do in a strip club (besides giving a stripper your bank account and routing number). I fully maintain my belief that lap dances are good for the soul and one’s overall well-being. However, your wife MAY NOT AGREE. Guys tend to keep their phones in their front pockets, right where most lap dance artists carefully place their ass. I know all about lock screens and pattern locks, but TRUST ME. That stuff fails from time to time and IT HAPPENS. So, do yourself a favor and just set your phone aside next to you, because your wife does not want to hear the heavy breathing and sultry whispers of the twenty-something asking, “You want another dance, Papi?”
Mistake #2: Prepaying for motel sex. Everyone knows that strip clubs aren’t brothels. While some seedy joints may offer “extra services” behind closed curtains, prostitution in most states is illegal. Therefore, strip clubs cannot offer sex as an option on the menu. Those who do are BREAKING THE LAW. In other words, or, in the words of Chris Rock, “There is no sex in champagne room!”
Still, every night guys walk in with high hopes. When guys ask me for sex at the club I tell them this: “I’d really love to, but it’s just not safe. If I did it with you I’d have to do it with everybody and then I’d be putting your health and mine at risk. You wouldn’t want that, would you?”
Sometimes, they actually start thinking with the correct head for a moment and they thank me for being honest and conscientious (in their own words of course. Nobody uses the word ‘conscientious’ in the strip club). But others aren’t always so appreciative of my anti-gonorrhea policy.
They’ll keep asking, over and over. I’ll explain over and over again that I cannot offer them sex in the private room or couch room. They simply don’t take ‘no’ for an answer.
These are the guys who get themselves in trouble. They may choose not to do dances with me and instead continue to pursue their endeavor with others who might. If you ask enough strippers for sex, eventually, one will say yes. You’ll either come across a girl who is desperate enough to do it, or smart enough to take you for all you’ve got. With the first, there’s no telling what you might get. Dip into the grab bag of STD’s, my friends, because regardless of what you tell yourself, YOURS IS NOT THE FIRST KNOB SHE’S SLOBBED TODAY.
With girl #2, you may find that she drives a hard bargain. She plays hard to get, she beats around the bush, and she keeps her voice low when her boss walks by. She seems legit but very secretive and very careful. “I don’t usually do this but I need the money…” She’ll say. Your pulse will quicken and you’ll ask her what she needs you to do to make this happen. She’ll lean in closer to you and explain that she can’t do it in the club because she could lose her job, but there’s a motel just a little down the road. She’ll ask you to pay for the room and for her services. You’ll readily agree to it. Then she’ll back away from you a little and look away. “But how can I be sure you’ll really pay all that?” she’ll ask. You’ll tell her that you make decent money and you would never screw someone over that way. But she’ll tilt her head to the side and say, “Can you give me half now so I know you’re serious and then you can pay the rest later when I show up?”
Now you’ve invested all that time on this deal. Your pulse has been pumping warm blood to all your extremities faster by the minute. You don’t want all that time and energy to go to waste, so you’ll consider what she is asking. Plus, you really like this girl. This could be a regular thing. You’d even take her to dinner once in a while. “I need $250 now. I’ll meet you at the gas station after work and you can pay the rest when we get to the motel. Make sure you bring a condom.” She’ll blink her deep, blue eyes at you and you’ll feel the warmth of her body leaning into yours.
“Ok”, you’ll say, as you count out $250 in cash and place it in her soft, little hand.
You’ll wait at the gas station. You’ll watch the rush of people passing through right around closing time for the club and the other nearby bars. People will run in and buy cigarettes, stale pretzels, and candy bars while their cars fill up. You’ll wonder where she is. Could she still be getting dressed? Why is she taking so long?
When the rush of business dwindles down to one or two stragglers, you’ll know that she isn’t coming. It will be a slow letdown, but a letdown all the same. You’ll slam your fists into your steering wheel and curse yourself for thinking you could prepay for sex. But you will leave a smarter man, because this is a lesson learned. Now you know that when you prepay for motel sex, the sex you paid for, is sex you’re not having.
Mistake #3: Losing your phone.
Smartphones are pretty expensive these days. In fact, they’re so expensive that I refuse to be responsible for something of that value on a regular basis. I get the basic Android smartphones off the shelves of the local department store or I buy them used online. I spend no more than $100 on a phone because I don’t want to have to cry myself to sleep after I drop it in the toilet or some drunk girl gets too friendly and spills wine directly into my purse. I’m serious. You have no idea how many phones I’ve lost due to drunk girls!
But, that being said, sometimes phones are extremely valuable to us not because of the cost, but because our phones are our lives and so we fill them with little pieces of ourselves. We give these devices our personal finger prints.
Some time ago, a man came in for a few dances and a VIP room. He spent a lot of time with one girl and they danced until the wee hours of the morning. Just before closing time, I saw the man in the club again, pacing around, looking for something. The barback held a flashlight over the couch in the private room while the guy frantically searched under every cushion, taking each one off and shaking it in the air. The dancer he’d been with stood and watched as the guy cried out, “There are pictures of my newborn daughter on that phone! I can’t believe I lost it!” I felt so sorry for the guy. He begged everyone who would listen to track down this phone of his, but he’d had to leave empty handed that night.
As I write this, I wonder what he told his wife about how he lost it. And, I sure hope she had a few pictures of their newborn baby on her phone. If most or all of the pictures were on his, then there’s going to be a large chunk of missing photographs. I sure hope he comes up with a better explanation for the massive hole in his daughter’s photo album.
Mistake #4: Telling a stripper “I borrowed $30 from my Mom to come here.”
I think it’s great that some Moms are cool enough that their sons can talk to them about anything. It’s not easy raising kids and I commend any mother who can foster such an honest relationship with her children. However, the thought of a grown man borrowing money from his Mom to go to the strip club is just… a little disconcerting.
It also puts me in an odd position. I’m giving you a great lap dance and you tell me that your Mom paid for it…uh… I almost feel bad taking the money. Why? Because your Mom is probably paying for this so she can do your laundry in peace and quiet. And, because I know that if you had to borrow money from your mother for a lap dance, you’ll probably have to ask her for gas money in the morning too.
So this is what I want you to do: LIE TO ME. Tell me anything. I don’t care if you’re a school teacher, musician, a hot dog stand owner, a nude model for some art college, or a drug dealer. Just don’t tell me you bummed the money off your Mom.
There’s only one thing that comes close to the absurdity of this to me. And that’s the guy who spends lots of time sitting with a stripper only to tell her, “I can’t do any dances this week. I’m waiting for my ex-wife to pay me my alimony. As soon as she pays me, we’ll do the expensive private room.”
Need I say what’s wrong with this? Couples who buy one another lap dances are cool. This, is just…not. It’s strange. But the strangest thing is…that you told me. There was really no need to explain that your wife owes you lap dance money. “I’m low on cash at the moment but I’ll come back next week for the private room” would have totally sufficed.
Mistake #5: Sitting next to the guy on Acid.
I’m not sure why, but there’s always one at every strip club. You might not realize how hard this dude is trippin’ balls at first because he will look like any other customer sitting at the bar. Except he’ll slowly, inch by inch, scoot closer and closer to you. You’ll start to feel your personal space getting smaller. Nope, it’s being totally violated. *For those who are not American citizens, I should state that in our culture, people value their space. It’s an invisible bubble of safety that surrounds us. And while in other cultures, men will link arms while walking to lunch together, American men generally don’t make physical contact with other men, unless they are Gay.*
Mr. Acid-tripper-guy will get really close to you and just look you in the face without saying anything. You’ll tell him, “Yo, dude, you better back the fuck up.” He’ll just keep staring. Maybe he’ll slink away and bother somebody else for a while. But don’t get too comfortable, because he’ll be back for you. It’s the way it always is. He’ll come back and sit too close to you. Maybe he’ll lean over and sniff your drink. You’ll think about hitting him but really don’t want to get tossed out of the bar for doing it. Acid guy will come and go. He’ll crouch down and tiptoe to the other side of the bar and speak some nonsensical word salad to a stripper or two, but he will always come back to you until the bouncer decides to throw him out. So be on the lookout and avoid this guy if you can.
Mistake #6: Falling asleep in the couch room.
I can’t say enough good things about lap dances. They are a great way to relax and enjoy being a man (or in my case, a frisky woman). It’s easy to kick your feet up, lean back, and get lost in the moment. Just don’t fall asleep. Lap dances are on average $20-$30 per four minute song. An honest stripper will put an ice cube down your shirt and tell you to “wake the fuck up” but a not so honest stripper might just let the clock run out. Your late evening nap might end up costing you quite a lot of money. And besides that, your friends will never let you live it down.
My mother dated this numbskull that I never really got along with. We always butted heads and I just thought he was an asshole. I tried to bond with him one night by taking him out to a strip club with my then-boyfriend and myself. I bought him a diet Jack and Coke because he was a diabetic. He had a couple of those, then he looked at my then-boyfriend and told him that he didn’t need a lap dance because my mother would give him one later. (TMI!!!) Then he fell asleep at the bar. I couldn’t believe it. Who falls asleep when naked tits and ass are a plenty? Him, that’s who. We tried not to pick on him too badly, but we had to laugh a little. It wasn’t so funny anymore when he hung his head out the window on the way home and barfed all over my car. I guess that’s what I get for taking out a guy who couldn’t hang. I decided that he was still an asshole.
Mistake #7: Getting way too drunk.
Most people agree that getting drunk and letting loose is fun. Especially when you’re hanging out at the strip club with your pals. But I advise you to put a cap on your drinking at a certain point.
I used to do a carpool with my girlfriends on Friday and Saturday nights. It was convenient for them, fun for me, and really environmentally friendly. One night, I was waiting in the car for them to finish up and walk out. I watched a group of guys carry a wasted, drunk guy out the doors. He must have been smashed beyond recognition because he was not an overly large man but the four guys he was with still couldn’t seem to carry all his weight. They dropped him a couple times so one of the bouncers jumped in to help. They struggled to get him up off the ground again. The five of them put their strength together and managed to lift him up a foot or so off the pavement. Then someone dropped his head and it hit the concrete. OUCH, I thought. Another staff member joined in and they lifted him again, dropping his head a second time. My head was beginning to hurt just watching. Someone pulled their car up and after a few more failed attempts, the men managed to lift their friend up and put him in the backseat of the car. I hope they took him to the hospital or somewhere where he could safely sleep off the alcohol. I can’t imagine what kind of headache he probably had the next day. And I bet his friends didn’t even tell him how many times they dropped him. Someone should. “Yeah, man, we dropped you on your head like three times.” I doubt it.
Mistake #8: Wearing the wrong pants.
I’ve written about my feelings on “choice of pants for strip club outings” before, so I’ll just say a few quick things about the subject now so as not to be redundant. Jeans are a no-no. Especially tight jeans. You might get a rash, or you’ll just feel really constricted. I, will definitely get a rash if I do not use caution during our dance. While jeans are cool and they look good, they are made of a horrifically thick, abrasive material that is just not lap dance friendly.
On the other side of that coin, you might think it a marvelous idea to wear your thinnest pair of pajama pants with no underwear to improve sensation during your lap dance. I strongly advise you NOT to do this. Contrary to what you may believe, you did NOT invent this tactic. It has been done many times before and we know that you are trying to get the most out of the least amount of money spent possible. It comes off sleazy and unsanitary. Don’t do this.
The ideal pants to wear are kacki pants. They are thin without being sleazy-thin. The material is not very abrasive and they usually are looser around the crotch than jeans are. You should wear underwear but if you were to decide not to, it still wouldn’t be as bad as the pajama pants guy. But know this: We know when you are wearing underwear and when you aren’t. You aren’t fooling anybody. Just trust me. We know.
I hope this guide is of help to you as you prepare for a night at the strip club. Thanks for reading! BEST WISHES AND HAPPY LAP DANCING!!!!