The “Gummer Guy” and Other Strange Things I’ve Seen

cupateeth

Brianna was having a rough day.  She had worked a midday shift and half of a night shift when she finally decided to call it a day.  The day hours had brought in only a few stragglers who just took up space in the lifeless building.  The night shift brought in a couple rowdy packs of beer drinkers and whistlers with shallow pockets and poor manners.

She was standing outside of the club smoking a cigarette and waiting for her ride when she felt the eyes of another smoker upon her.  An older man with dingy, gray, curly hair stood a few feet away from her.  A younger man stood beside him blowing smoke into the night.  Neither man bothered to avert their eyes when she noticed them staring.

Ugh…  She thought.  They’d had every opportunity to get a lap dance with her but hadn’t done shit.  So why did they feel the need to look at her like a piece of meat now?  She kept her mouth shut but her face involuntarily gave her away.

The older man turned to his younger friend.  “Them girls in there got too many teeth.”  Brianna wondered if she’d heard him correctly.  The younger man suddenly looked confused.  “You never had a gummer?”  The look on his face said that the young man had not.

“Eww!  What’s wrong with you?!” Brianna shouted, throwing her cigarette butt onto the concrete.  She ground it into the pavement with her sneaker.

“I don’t want no girlfriend with teeth!” the man declared.  He gave his young friend a hard pat on the back.  “You ain’t a man ‘til you had yourself a gummer!”

“You’re disgusting!”  She yelled as the two men got into a car and drove away.

chicken

When you work at a strip club, you will hear and see the most ridiculous things.  The other night, a man said to me, “If I weren’t a married man, I’d do you so good I’d make you feel like boneless chicken!”  Now, there’s an interesting pick-up line.  I have never heard that one before!  But what does that mean, anyway?  Is that like saying “I’ll make you melt”? That’s my guess, anyway.

paranoia

One slow night at the club, I was really in need of a willing lap dance customer.  I approached a man at the bar and introduced myself.  He was probably in his early forties, average height, with short brown hair.  He leaned his head far over to the left, then far over to the right, looking behind me before he extended his hand.  “What’s your name?” I asked.

He hesitated. “It’s John…”  He was silent again.  He looked behind me again before making eye contact.

“Everything okay?” I asked.

“Yeah, just making sure no one’s lookin’ for me.”

“Oh…  Someone after you?”

“No, no, I’m fine.”

“Ok…  I trailed off.  Detecting a strange sense of fear in the man, I considered whether I should even ask him to do a lap dance.  Then I remembered that I really needed the money.  “Do you want to go down for a private dance?”  I asked.

“Uh…  I didn’t come here for that but I guess I could…  Yeah, let’s go.”

When we got to the couch room, I walked him toward one of the booths.  Before sitting down he checked out the other booths by poking his head out of ours and peering into the ones on either side next to us.  He scanned the entire room with his eyes, then looked low to the ground, and back up.  He finally sat down on the couch for his private dance.

I sat in his lap, leaned back, and tried to be sensuous and sexy, moving my hips to the music.  His hands did not gently make their way to my hips.  He did not lean his head back and get lost in the moment.  Instead, he anxiously leaned over to each side, checking our surroundings throughout the duration of the dance.

My own anxiety began to climb like a rickety roller coaster car making its way up to the top before the drop.  Who was this guy?  I thought.  Was he wanted by violent gang members for some heinous crime against their people?  What if they really were after him?  That could put me in direct danger.

As the song came to an end and I would usually ask a customer if he wanted another dance, I decided that maybe it would be wiser to send him on his way.  I was just about to tell him our song was over when the man jumped forward from his seat and again looked into the booth next to us.  I started to fall but caught myself and shot up onto my feet.  “You sure you’re okay?!”

“Just making sure no one’s after me.”

“I’ve gotta go…”  I asked for the money for the dance before running away as quickly as I could.  I didn’t even walk him back to the bar.  I just pointed the way and ran off toward the dressing room.  He was probably just doing some bad drugs, but I didn’t want to take any chances.  Sorry, but I wasn’t trying to be around when his “people” finally came for his head.

armpit lick

People ask me all the time what the craziest thing I’ve ever seen in my line of work is.  It’s a difficult question to answer because I’ve seen so much…  I’ve encountered armpit lickers, exhibitionists, submissives, crossdressers, and even a guy who tried to hypnotize me.  These colorful experiences paint my memory like a beautiful mosaic, each one adding something special to the big picture.  Yet no particular one that stands out from all the others.

wedding shoes

So what is the strangest thing I’ve ever seen in the club?  After thinking really long and hard, I’ve come up with this:

One Friday evening, I walked into the club to see six or seven strippers lined up by the side stage, all wearing matching white G-strings triangle tops.  Next to them stood a girl in a short white dress, clear stripper heels, and a white veil on her head.  Her wheelchair bound groom sat beside her in a tuxedo.  The bouncer stood across from them, reading vows from a book.  A handful of family members looked on from the seats around the side stage.  I couldn’t believe my eyes.  Was this…?  Yes!  It was a wedding!

Once the vows had been taken and the bride had been kissed, that area by the side stage became a dance floor.  There was this one woman, the groom’s Aunt, who took the celebration to a new level.  She spun the wheels on her wheel chair back, forth, and sideways.  She was quite obviously thoroughly enjoying herself.

The DJ played special requests, the bartender served drinks, and the guests danced on.  It was probably the coolest wedding that they’d ever been to, and it has to be the strangest thing that I’ve ever seen.  While there are some very close seconds, I think this one really takes the cake.

cake

 

 

 

 

 

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